Hi ladies

I could use some help....
My closest friends son is 3 1/2 (6mnths older than zachary) and he is autistic and has major delays across the board...genetic factor as well
I think as jack has gotten older the realization of his delays has set in and my friend has become very depressed....
We recently moved to the town they live and previously discussed the kids going to school together, activities etc
Jack goes to a handicapped pre-school but will be move to a therapy based pre-school shortly

I'm just wondering if anyone could give me advice as to what I could/should do or say to her
I'm always afraid to say the wrong thing...
I feel horrible discussing or complaining about Zach's reflux/food allergies when she has so much going on

When we see each other I often don't ask too many questions about Jack's therapy/school etc figuring she might want a break from it all...but I don't want to seem un-interested or that I'm not concerned

Also, when all of the kids are together I try to talk to jack etc....
He doesn't speak at all, and will often walk away from me/ignore me...
I do this because I care about him and I don't want him to feel left out...again i am not sure if this is the right thing to do
She will often step in and speak for him etc

Any insight would be great

Kim

I think that you should let your friend know how much you care (I'm sure she can tell already) and that anytime she wants to talk about Jack you are there to listen. I would tell her how you feel, that you can't imagine how hard it must be and you don't want to say or do the wrong thing and if she needs any help you are willing.

I think the way you continue to interact w/her son despite his not responding, etc. is great. She probably appreciates that you don't ignore him just b/c he is not socializing back w/you. Eventually, if his therapy is able to help him he may develop some ability to interact and your acknowledging him and treating him like the other kids is probably very good for him.

I don't know anyone who has an autistic child but I think if my child was autistic I would want people to treat him as much like other children as possible. It certainly can't hurt him and it may help him.

Kim, I think it's great that you want to be more involved. I think the best way to help your friend would be to arm yourself w/ knowledge about autism. There are different spectrums. I am not sure where your friend's son falls into that. I can imagine that she must be going thru alot w/ all of this, how devasting. I am sure she would appreciate your support and I imagine if you guys are close she probably does want to talk to you about it. I think alot of people are afraid to "say the wrong things", but I am sure you won't do that. I have worked w/ an autistic child and they have difficulty w/ social interactions and are not able to pick up on social cues, what others are feeling, facial expressions, etc. He is not ignoring you per say. He just doesn't understand. I would continuing speaking to him, that is really great and important to acknowledge him. Unfortunately the best you may get is brief periods of eye contact and maybe short sentences, sometimes which are not related to what you are talking about. Also group interactions such as soccer or playing basketball w/ other children are difficult for them as well as too much sensory stimulation. They tend to excel at one on one things, eg. video games, indoor rock climbing, etc. They also seem to like repetition and consistency, for ex. the kid I worked w/ had to sit in the same seat at the dinner table every night, and if his routine was even a little bit off that day would have a severe outburst that week. Again, arming yourself w/ knowledge and making your children aware as well, will be helpful. Children tend to be cruel to kids that are "different" and in my experience adults were not far to follow. People are afraid of things they don't understand. I remember the mother telling me adults made fun of her child right in front of her and laughed at him as he tried to engage in a group activity. I think it's really great of you to be getting involved and supporting your friend, I am sure she will really appreciate it. Good Luck!

Kim,

First, I would like to applaud you for doing all things you are doing fro your friend's son. It is difficult to know exactly what to say without stepping over the line or making the parent feel like you are just saying things because you feel sorry for them (which I do not think you did at all). Being a Special Education Teacher myself......I know how difficult it is to communicate with students with autism, but when I was getting my Master's Degree, I did take a class on Autism and went to a center in which deals with autism. What I learned, which works well, is that you have to get down to their level and understand what they are seeing and what it means to them. I would sit with kids with autism and just sit, observe and many times imitate what they were doing (and be completely non verbal to them until I started to see that I was seeing progress).

Like the past posts.........keep on talking to him and with therapy.......the therapist may begin cards with words and pic on them to help him tell people what he means or what he wants. It is quite a mazing what they really understand. Also sign language is really helpful too......I used it with my son when he was an infant, so that I would know what he wanted instead of watching him get frustrated.

I am sorry.....this probably really not helping.......I would continue being their for your friend and letting her know that you are there for her no matter what. And continue talking with her son. Have your children play with him too.....because they will be good models on interaction.

I hope that this helped and if you would like to ever talk or your friend has any question which I may be able to help her with, please PM and I will get back to you.

Thanks everyone for your feedback/suggestions!!
I'll def reach out if I have any other questions...