Catherine does not cope well with change, chaos or the unexpected. Any of the above results in prolonged shrieking. I do not ever run to her with "Ooooooo, poor baby" dripping from my lips, but when she does collect herself enough to come to me, usually still screaming, I do pick her up. I still don't fuss over her but rather just hold her tight to me until she calms down. Mark says I am enabling her by doing this and that I should not pick her up and let her scream it out on the floor. He says I'm rewarding her behavior. Those of you with toddlers/older kidlets with similar issues ... am I?????

Today, she was carrying around old laptop case that Trey uses to tote his Gameboy, etc on trips in the car. A handful of change spilled out onto the hardwood floor. It really didn't clatter that much, I didn't think, but she shrieked and shrieked and shrieked like a limb was being amputated with a butter knife! That incident was the impetus behind the "enabling" discussion.

I don't think you are. I think if you were to run to her and do the "poor baby" thing for every tiny thing she did, then maybe. But when she comes running to you for comfort, I think you should definately give it. Don't make a big deal out of whatever it is, but if she wants mommy to hold her and comfort her, nothing wrong with that, KWIM?

I don't think it is good to just ignore them when they need comfort. The only exception in my book is if they are stalling to get out of bed/naps, etc. Ther eis a definate difference between a child trying to get attention to get out of something verses a child who does not deal wiith change or is high maintenence and needs that extra bit of love.

So I would say no you are not. ;)

Hmmmmmm... this is very interesting. I wuold say it's more her personality. Something like that would make Matthew cry.. he frightens easily. Whereas Stephen wouldn't even notice it had happened!! That's how different my boys are.
Given that you don't rush over to her... I don't think you're "enabling" her. I'm just as guilty of doing what you do.. when Matthew cries because he's got a fright, when he comes to me I always get him on my lap and wait until he's finished sobbing and he then gets himself down to go and play.
At the end of the day.. she's coming to you for comfort.. and what's wrong with that? As you've said yourself, you're not rushing over to her at the 1st sign of tears....

Interesting, I agree. No, I don't think you are enabler. I think that Catherine may just be sensitive about some things.

Joshua is still frightened by grinding or whirring noises. Today, I was using the can opener and it made him cry. So does the wind up toy I got for the tub. He gets this terrified look on his face, throws his arms up behind his head and just shrieks until it stops!

I think that since you are not running to her, but comforting her when she needs it, that is the right thing to do. She's still a baby after all!

I definitely say you are not enabling her. You cant change her personality. It sounds like she is sensitive and craves a lot of security in change--exactly like Chelsea. You cant change that, that is part of their personality that they were born with. If you ignore it or try to change it, I really believe you will only end up with a frustrated depressed and/or angry child who does not feel secure with the relationship that matters the most--the relationship with you. At her gae, she is unable to control her own emotions--I dont know if you ever notice, but when Chelsea was that age, if she threw a tantrum over something she couldnt have, I would pick her up and hug her. She would instantly melt in my arms and her anger would dissolve. I didnt give her the thing that prompted the tantrum, I just helped her to control her emotions so it wouldnt feel so scary to her. I think when they lose it, it scares them because they dont know how to control themselves yet at age 1.

I had people tell me the same thing (not my husband, but family members on his side) but I took it with a grain of salt. You are conforting her when the world gets too overwhelming for her. As she gets older she will have a higher tolerance and will be very secure in the relationship you have with her because she will know she can count on you to be there for her. I say, if anything, you are enabling her to be a confident child who can trust her mother! At 4, Chelsea is MUCH better. She is still sensitive but is compassionate and loving and we are very close. She trusts me... I think Catherine will trust you too because you are there for her when she needs you.:wink:

No, I wouldn't say that you are enabling her. I think, of course, you should comfort her... she's looking for you to.

The only time I do the "ooh no, poor baby" thing is when it's something serious... and then I usually say "oh, bad coffee table" or whatever caused her pain. It's funny.

If it's not something serious, she usually cries for a few seconds and it's over. I don't want her crying and coming to me for every little thing... not to sound like a mean mom. But I want her to learn to cope with the small things.

I have a kid that has a tantrum at the drop of a hat, too. I don't think you're an enabler at all. We do things the same way. If she's having a tantrum, I let her go at it on the floor, then when SHE's ready to be picked up and comforted, she comes to me and holds out her hands to me, then I hug her close. See, I can't pick her up at the beginning of her tantrum, because that isn't what she wants. She'll just try to slip right through my arms, so instead she wants to be able to scream it out, lay on the floor, kick, flail, and scoot herself backwards all over the place and once her energy for that is gone, she comes to me while crying and needs to be held to calm completely down (I don't give her what she was tantrumming for, but usually after such a long tantrum, she's already forgotten about it). She does this, maybe twice a day, usually when tired or hungry or sick or just plain having a rotten day. I don't think you're an enabler. That's Catherine's personality and you're giving her what she needs. Sean thinks I'm an enabler too...I just let him think that.

I agree that you're not enabling her, Lesley. If you were running to her at every little bump or whine, then you would be, but she's just needing you to comfort her, that's all.

I agree with everyone else. I am there *anytime* that Noah is *truly* scared (vacuum, neighbors puppy, etc...) and I think that is necessary to making him feel secure. I think that someday, he'll realize that since mommy thinks its okay, he'll be okay with those scary things, too. KWIM?

Lesley I think the way you are handling it is the exact way you should be. I don't think you are enabling at all. In one word Perfect! You are letting her be secure but not "over babying her"

But does she always act that way with noises, maybe it is hurting her ears or something? Some kids have extra sensitive hearing so maybe it really is hurting her enough to get so upset- just a thought.

Lesley, I total agree with the others.

But does she always act that way with noises, maybe it is hurting her ears or something? Some kids have extra sensitive hearing so maybe it really is hurting her enough to get so upset- just a thought.

No, familiar loud noises don't bother her at all. I can vaccuum right beside her, the dog can bark; it's the unexpected -- and it doesn't have to be all that loud (or even a sound) -- that sets her off. Anything that rocks her little world, lol.

You're lucky with the vaccuum then... Lauren is deathly afraid of it.

Cady is deathly afraid of that darn vacuum as well. I have to vacuum when she's napping or it's an all out scream-fest!

Parker too, and I can't vacuum when he is asleep cause it wakes him! Kids hey!

I am glad that it is just a startle reaction Lesley.

I can't vaccuum around J either...I have to do it on the weekend when dh is around. He takes Joshua outside for a bit while I do it! The dogs too...neurotic little things that they are - the dogs not J, lol! ;)

Hi

Zach HATES the vacuum as well...Ava laughs at it
I have to agree with the others lesley...i think you are handling it the right way...
My friends Dh is the same way (though her some is autistic) if he comes to her crying and crying and tugging on her and she picks him up...she is making HIM worse
I don't know...but I would handle it exactly as you are....maybe if/when catherine starts therapy, ask the therapist for suggestions?

Lesley...I am late but definately agree with the others. You are handling it the perfect way...letting her know you are there for her but not over doing it!